Do any of these describe you?
• You never say “no” when someone asks you for a favor, even if it puts you out
• You invest more time, energy and money in other relationships and you don’t get it back in return
• You are dwelling on what you should have said or done after some type of situation
• You don’t feel good about yourself and a job well-done unless people are complimenting you
Being a people pleaser can be detrimental in that constantly saying “yes” when you really want to say “no” can cause resentment, both toward yourself and toward the person you are helping. This may also prevent you from taking care of yourself and your own needs.
I feel strongly about having personal boundaries and being able to say “no” appropriately. This is one reason I encourage people to understand themselves, determine their purpose and have a clear plan for their life. When this is established, then it is easy to know when to say “no” and when to accept opportunities.
However, I couldn’t help but recognize the similarities in the people pleaser checklist and another topic I have been studying recently. The theme at my local church for the month of January has been Servanthood. Biblical servanthood teaches that we should live our lives focused on others rather than ourselves, even to the point of putting ourselves out. We are encouraged to love and give to others, expecting nothing in return and without acknowledgement by anyone else.
I believe that it is problematic to be a people pleaser and that it is good, and even necessary as a Christian, to be a servant. So what, then, is the difference?
The difference can be described with one word – motive.
The people pleaser behaves this way because of their own need to be liked, or at least not disliked, to be accepted or to avoid dealing with their own insecurities. They are not personally secure enough to seek out their life purpose and then stand up for it. Their actions are based on them.
The servant, on the other hand, behaves in a giving manner because they truly care about others. It isn’t about them at all, but about meeting the needs of those around them. However, while this may inconvenience them at times, the servant is secure in him/herself and knows they are fulfilling their purpose. They don’t give to the detriment of their own wellbeing because they know that if they don’t take care of themselves, they won’t have anything to offer anyone else.
So, it really boils down to the heart.
What about you? Are you a people pleaser or a servant? Examine your heart and make any needed changes in your life. This will help you to live . . . your life to the fullest.
